SH** Is Getting Real
Over the past several years I’ve thought about owning a home on property with a barn and horses – a place I could offer the love of horses to hurting people as well as some professional equine-assisted programs. A place with a couple extra bedrooms so maybe I could be a host “family” (me and the cat!) for a girl coming out of trafficking. Nothing too big or shiny and mostly private. It’s a nice, quiet dream until I actually think about it, for real!!
I was talking with a friend today about some of this and ended up coming home and looking up horse properties for sale in the Austin area. Oh boy did I open a can of worms!! This very long list of fears and impossibility is now thrashing through my system. I have a headache, I’m shaking and panicky… I feel like crying. At first I shrugged it off as allergies. I mean EVERYTHING with symptoms in Austin can be explained away by allergies! But the truth is I realized just how impossible I believe this vision to be and just how inadequate I am to be the one to fulfill any of it. These are some of the thoughts screaming at my soul:
Holy crap these are expensive!
You can barely afford an apartment and a cat, how on earth would you live/own a house… on property… with horses, that cost way more than a cat does?
I don’t have a tractor or a lawn mower for the property!
Even if I got a house, I couldn’t afford to furnish it!
Oh my gosh, a fence needs to be fixed and I don’t know how!
I’ll be trapped – by the high level of care required for the horses and in being alone on a property likely several miles outside of town.
Oh shoot! I need a truck, too!
I don’t have enough experience – with anything!
I don’t want to be one of those people that thinks they are helping people but are actually hurting them.
and on and on and on…
And here’s the kicker. The belief that is most scary, most daunting. The belief that causes me to literally tremble and leaves me unable to breathe. The belief that makes me feel ashamed to have asked you to be a part of this in the first place.
I DON’T DESERVE to be happy or have any of these great things come true.
I haven’t done enough in life to deserve something so amazing. I’m not a person of high enough character. I don’t even have a degree. I haven’t accomplished any of the things that “mature” adults do in having a spouse and kiddos, a home, a career. I still have trouble getting out of bed some mornings, ok, a lot of mornings. I don’t know the bible. I more often fight with God than praise Him. I’m not responsible enough to be given such a beautiful gift. Who am I to think so selfishly that I could have any of this, even if it is actually for the purpose of giving others a piece of the healing pie?! And how arrogant to think people would want to support me or be a part of a ranch one day. Get over yourself, Vanessa!
And then I realized, the voices I’m hearing are those from my childhood. From an abusive and terribly chaotic household. A childhood of fear and loneliness. A childhood based on how good or bad I was. A childhood that taught me that I was completely and utterly worthless. These are voices from my past that still like to steal my present and my future. And I so often allow them to. But not tonight! Tonight I’m sharing these thoughts with you and God. Tonight I’m taking a stand against what I call “the pimp in my head”. Tonight I’m ok with not knowing how everything is going to work out. Tonight, I’m not choosing to do or be anything valiant. I’m simply choosing NOT to listen to that pimp! Tonight, I say NO! And I’m so grateful to have you out there to hear me!