I’ve learned over time that I have a visionary, big-picture personality. The good news is that means I can see endless possibilities to some ideas, thoughts or dreams. The bad news is I can see endless possibilities to some ideas, thoughts or dreams! In the past I’ve found myself stuck in all the details and implementation of dreaming big. There is nothing wrong with the big (and, quite frankly, overwhelming) vision I have for the ranch one day. But I’m reminded of other times in my life when I needed to take a step back and look at what’s possible NOW.
When I had a Professional Organizing business, that meant breaking away from trying to do all things for all people; I had to be specific in my target market and choose just one or two of the hundreds of ideas thrashing through my mind and focus on those. Just one or two. Looking back, I didn’t do that very well even once I started to realize the need for it. My people-pleasing personality just couldn’t say no to saving EVERYONE. Consequently, I “saved” fewer than I could have.
I have a different perspective, now. A perspective that only time and internal pain and growth can bring. Time alone facing your own pride and demons. I want to utilize what I’ve learned from that difficult experience in my life, that time of unabandoned and naive confidence that I’d strike it rich in the organizing business. After all, I was going to be the next Merry Maids of the Professional Organizing industry!
I’m also reminded of the tumultuous relationship I had with a little non-profit I founded to help all those affected by eating disorders. Oy, what a painful time it was! The reality is I wasn’t healthy enough myself to be running a non-profit in such an intense, life-threatening population of hurting people. I was still in deep pain and despair myself. Even so, or maybe because of, I had big, big dreams for the organization! Again, I was going to save the world!! But I didn’t know how to step back, work on the basics, implement a foundation of resources and secure financing. I just saw the end product of rescuing people from a horrendous, dark and terrifying life trapped inside their eating disorder because I was still working on finding that freedom for myself.
This time around I hope to do things differently, better and with a bit of wisdom from all God’s shown me in my previous endeavors. First and foremost, I’ve surrendered the ranch to him. I never did this with either of the other businesses and it took me a long time to do it for ranch. I was so afraid he’d actually take my dreams away so, I kept them close to my chest and wouldn’t let him in. The day after I surrendered and gave God HIS vision back, a new friend that hardly knew anything about me told me about a little family-owned horse ranch that I could probably get back in community with horses at. This is the same ranch I go to to hang with the horses and even share some time with a survivor I’m mentoring now. It’s been such a blessing for both of us! It was clear that I (me, myself, I and anything in-between) was not responsible for forcing this vision or for saving ANYONE! It’s all up to God. My part comes in the daily choice to walk in obedience to God’s leading one step at a time. He’s already got the big stuff taken care of. I need to continue to work on me and the things he’s given me some reign over; working on my relationship with him and building relationships with friends and support systems, spending time with horses and building those relationships in an effort to continue learning, reaching out to grow my network of like-minded people.
So, even though this next little step scares me almost as much as the bigger vision, I’ve decided to start looking for a Therapist partner that can begin walking this journey with me. I don’t have any idea how but I feel like that’s the next step. I need to get back to working with an Equine Therapist and client to continue my own education in this beautiful, yet complex work.
Following is what I’m praying for and would like to invite you to pray along with me:
A Therapist – Lover of Jesus! Trained in trauma-informed care. Experience with the Natural Lifemanship model. Willing to go the distance. Wisdom in finding this person.
Barn with horses to hold private sessions – in/close to Austin. Quiet property enabling confidentiality and a therapeutic environment. Christian owners with heart for ministry who appreciate that the care and love for the horses must come first.
Me – Courage! To face rejection and insecurities and to believe I’m worthy of working with smart, talented people.
I have so many thoughts flying around in my head, but I will not spew them on you tonight 🙂 As always, please know how grateful I am for you and your willingness to walk alongside me. I hope one day to be able to put into words just what it means to my heart and spirit that you’ve chosen to do this with me.
Hugs and love!
V